Not Like This
by Old Romantic
Summary: Post 1x04, MickBeth, Angst, Rated M for mention of adult issues, 1 part, Word Count 2,537. An inside look into Mick's thoughts during the Bathtub scene.


**Title: Not Like This**

**Rating: R/Mature** – for adult issues

**Timeline/Spoilers: **Post-1x04 - Fever

**Genre/Ship: **Angst, more angst, and a teensy bit of Romance. (MickBeth!) Oh, and did I mention angst?

**Disclaimer:** The characters used in the following story are provided by others – I just like to borrow them for my own entertainment purposes. I promise to redress them and put them back on the shelf unharmed when I'm through.

**Summary:** When Beth offered Mick her blood, he said, "Not here! Not like this!!" This is just a one-parter pondering what he might've been thinking or daydreaming for him to react that way.

**A/N:** Since this was liked on other sites, I thought I'd post it here too. Thanks for reading and enjoy!!

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**1/1**

There's a place between life and death, between dreaming and unconsciousness, where a vampire, despite how much he tries, cannot control his thoughts. For Mick St. John, that meant that Beth Turner was haunting his mind during the haziness of his latest near death experience.

Using the term "near death" seemed ironic in his own mind as he reconsidered that episode in that abandoned motel's bathtub, knowing full well that he hadn't been alive for more than fifty years. Someone who was already dead couldn't be "_near_ death" – he was smack dab in the middle of being "long gone." He was a ghost of the man he'd once been, an immortal…a vampire.

_Not living, _he sipped at his appropriate glass of blood, staring out of his apartment window, repeating the mantra to himself as he often did to attempt to keep grounded. But it rarely worked, especially since Beth had crossed his path and had noticed _him_ for the first time in her adult life.

It hadn't been intentional allowing her to know him, but when he'd seen her walking barefoot across that fountain, he'd been completely mesmerized. Mick had kept watch over her for years, but from a safe and healthy distance; he just hadn't realized how beautiful of a woman she'd grown into until he saw her that night. And it wasn't until she was walking toward him with him in her sights that he'd snapped out of his reverie and knew he couldn't run from her – even if he'd wanted to. She had just as much hold on his undead heart as his uncontrollable need for blood. He'd never thought it would be possible. Sure, he'd heard stories of other vampires that had fallen in love with humans and their…unhappy endings, but he'd been so careful to guard his heart for so long… How could he have allowed this to happen?

_Stop fighting it_, the more human side of him wanted to scream. But again, he had to mentally kick himself into remembering that he was not alive enough to live the life of a normal man, _including _falling in love.

"Too late," he muttered, taking another sip. He knew after that incident in the tub that he was hopelessly and carelessly in love with one Beth Turner. He could still feel his lips wrapped around Beth's arm and her body pressed up against his side, her head resting on his shoulder. Had it not been for the fangs and his damned survival instincts, the moment might've been construed as an intimate one. He could imagine a dozen different ways the night might've ended, but the moment Beth's shaky voice called out his name, announcing non-verbally that she was feeling light-headed, all thoughts of sensuality flew out of his mind, and concern for her well-being took its place.

Holding her up with one arm, Mick had dipped his hand in the cold water and wiped his mouth, willing his teeth and eyes to return to normal. Then he turned to her and held her face, noticing that her eyelids were already starting to droop. She was leaning with most of her weight on him so he'd gently laid her on the floor, warning her not to move and promising that he was taking care of her. He'd climbed out of the tub, grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around her arm, and then reached for her face again. He just couldn't seem to keep from touching her.

"I feel dizzy," she'd mumbled when he asked how she was doing, and he immediately grabbed for the discarded snacks Leni had brought him earlier and opened the sports' drink. Sitting her up slightly, he put the bottle to her lips, encouraging her to swallow. It was uncanny how well he could remember his days of giving blood in the military and all the warnings to avoid passing out as if they'd just happened yesterday. But it was certainly coming in handy now, given that this was the first opportunity he had to use the knowledge, since he'd stopped mid-way through a feeding and actually _cared_ about the life of the woman he'd been drinking for a change. Of course, he hadn't had a live feeding in years…

Mick had managed to get her to eat some of the snacks Leni had offered, thankful that the sugar content was high enough to do her some good. After just a few minutes, the color had started returning to her face and she sat up on her own.

"Are you okay?" Mick had asked again, staring into her eyes as if pleading her to tell him the truth.

Beth slowly blinked and then bobbed her head. "I'm fine." She lifted her gaze to his and apprehension seeped out from her anxious heart. "How are you…?"

He just shook his head and shrugged, avoiding the question. "You should go check on Leni. I just need a minute…to dry off…"

She must've known he was lying and saw right through his excuse, but for some reason, she just nodded in agreement and stood with his help. Maybe it was her concern for the witness they'd tried so hard to protect or knowing that the time and place wasn't right for what he knew she'd want to discuss, but whatever her reasons, he was glad that he wouldn't have to immediately deal with her questions or worried looks…or her touch. He did need that minute alone, if only to compartmentalize his emotions into some sort of normalcy so that they could deal with the situation at hand and get Leni back to safety.

The next few moments happened quickly. One minute, Mick was leaning on the sink, trying to catch his breath after seeing Beth's completely indescribable expression before she stepped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind her, and the next, he was hearing her muffled screams and the racing of her heart. Merely by listening to the sounds of their heart rates, Mick was able to bust through the door and take care of Beth's attacker with one swift move. He hated the fear and panic he felt whenever she was in danger, but for what reason, he didn't want to contemplate.

But Beth was okay, Leni and her unborn baby were alive and well, and the threat to all of their lives was gone. The only thing left for Mick to deal with was the aftermath of the intimacy that he and Beth had shared, and he was sure that his only option was going to be one of avoidance.

So, that's where he was safely ensconced now, as he stood in his high-rise apartment, looking out over the city as dawn drew near, trying not to think about her and failing. She'd stopped by last night, but he'd avoided her knock, simply unable to be around her anymore, out of fear of what could happen to her, just by associating with him in any way. If she'd known what he'd been fascinating about during his semi-unconscious state…

_He'd been thinking of Beth so much that when he slipped beyond consciousness, Mick couldn't decipher between real and dream. The surroundings were the same – old, dingy, bug-ridden motel bathroom, nasty tile, rusted faucets, dirty water, and ice that was so white with hard water minerals, he would never had thought of drinking it when he had been human, let alone now. No, now he'd drink…_

_Beth's image was suddenly there, in front of him, kneeling beside the tub, with a look of love combined with a touch of worry on her beautiful face. Her expression both aroused and confused him – he'd almost swear that she was a vampire by the pure hunger in her eyes, as if she wanted – or needed – to possess him in the way he wanted her._

"_Beth," he mumbled tiredly. "What are you…doing here?"_

"_Shh…," was all her lips uttered, while continuing to stare deeply into his eyes, directly into his immortal soul. _

_He was inexplicably drawn to her, sitting up in the tub, allowing the long forgotten freezing water to splash around him, dripping off his body like rain. He was no longer waiting for the water to cool his body down or make him feel better – Beth was accomplishing more with just her presence than an hour in the tub had. _

_Without speaking a word except with her eyes and her soft, welcoming smile, Beth tilted her head slightly, exposing the long, smooth complexion of her neck to him in offering. He could see her pulse radiating through the jugular vein as if calling him, begging him to drink…until he could resist the urge no more._

_Leaning closer – the human side of him wanting so much to kiss her first, but fighting a losing battle with the undead side that needed blood to survive – he gave in to the temptation of her offered neck and sunk his fangs in, drinking in the warmth of her life with the passion he felt for her surging through to his limbs._

In his more rational and lucid moments, Mick knew that if he'd given in to that desire in a real life instance if Beth had offered her neck, it would've killed her. The passion and the need and the intimate location of that desired vein would've been impossible to disconnect from, and he would've drained the life out of her. And he couldn't do that to her, unless—

He currently stopped his line of thinking, recalling that he'd thought of that option as well while in that tub, after reminding himself that he wouldn't allow her to offer her life in exchange for his, and the _only _way he'd even consider drinking her dry was if…he turned her. But no, he would never lay that curse on her as it was done to him. Even if she begged him to.

When Beth had come, Mick had expected that she would listen to him and take Leni and go, not concerning herself with his well-being. He had no idea that she would not leave him until he was well, and he _really_ hadn't dared to hope that she would offer her blood just as in his daydreaming.

However, when she did, he'd sat up, recoiling from her. "No!" he'd screamed in a total panic. "Not yours!" _Anybody's blood but yours_. "Not like this!!"

If she'd asked what he'd meant, he still had no idea what he would say. Yes, the vampire in him wanted to turn her, wanted to have her live immortally with him for all eternity, and he was afraid that if given the irrational opportunity, he'd do it. If he closed his eyes, as he had in that tub, he could imagine making love to her, and following every step needed to make her like him. And that scared him.

But she'd been sane and factual, reminding him that she knew he wouldn't turn her or kill her, and that had helped to keep his human senses intact. He'd hesitatingly reached for her arm, knowing the non-intimate limb would be easier to detach from when she needed him to, but he'd also warned her that she would have to tell him when to stop.

Her small, weak voice had done it, halting his drinking even though his mind had been racing with the same fantasy it had before, of draining and turning her, and needing to feel her body moving beneath his, touching and caressing…

Mick shifted on his feet, bringing his mind back to a saner and present line of thinking, turning to sit on the stairs. But he had just begun to ruminate how he was going to live without her when there was a knock on his door. He immediately recognized the pattern of the heart beat in the hall; he'd been so involved in his daydream, he hadn't even heard her approaching as before.

"Mick," he heard her whisper in a pleading tone, and he could just picture her leaning her forehead against the door with her eyes closed. But he still couldn't move from his seat and just stared as if he could see out into the hall to her. "If you're there, _please_ answer. I need…" She sighed, and he wondered – and silently hoped – that her next word was going to be "you," but was unrightfully disappointed when she stopped and started the sentence over again. "I need to talk to you. Where are you?"

He thought of moving, of getting up, of walking to the door, and opening it, surprising her, but he couldn't get his legs to work and sat frozen and fearful. It was the first time in fifty-five years that he'd been afraid, and of a woman who could do nothing more to him than break his heart. But it was his fear that he'd break hers that kept him from making his presence known.

With another small sigh escaping from her lips, he saw Beth's image move out of the camera's view and listened as her footsteps took her further down the hall. The elevator button was pushed, there was the ding announcing its arrival, and then the doors closed, allowing it to descend to the ground floor.

She was gone, and he would've known that without hearing the sounds of the elevator. He could _feel _her absence in a way that unnerved him…ever since acquiring her blood in his veins... But he knew he'd made the right decision – for her safety and his sanity – that they needed to keep their distance. Too much more time spent in her presence would mean growing closer, questions asked and reluctantly answered, desires coming to the surface, needs wanting to be met, and the ability to resist temptation would weaken. He was afraid that his fantasy might one day be fulfilled. Josef was right: someday, his inner vampire would come out, needing to be fed. He'd been alone too long, and he'd never felt love like this – not even with Coraline. If it were only his heart that he'd break, he'd risk it. But with Beth's life and love in shaky balance in her association with him, he couldn't dare. His was meant to be an existence of loneliness, for the sake of all others, including the woman he loved.

Maybe in a perfect world, in another time and place, or if he had his way, they could be together and happy and share their love. But not as vampires, not cursed with desires that are difficult to control. Not as immortals with souls as dead as their former lives. Not without living in the way that humans do with loving, marrying, having a family, and growing old together. Not spending an eternity being hunted and having to deal with different rules of survival. Not hiding their existence from the world, pretending to be just like the rest. Not having to give up the ones they cared for, just to keep from hurting them.

Not feeling tormented by emotions of desire and need and being unable to fulfill them. He wouldn't do that to Beth. He _couldn't_.

Not with her.

Not like this.

_End_

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PS: Comments are great, and favorite quotes warm this writer's heart:D


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